What is it about a melancholy day that causes you to begin to question everything that is currently in your life? Yesterday was such a day. I was very tired from a busy weekend, and had no plans to go anywhere. Consequently, I didn’t accomplish much at home. Maybe it was lack of motivation as well as lack of energy. But then the end of the day comes, nothing is done, I’m even more tired from a cranky Emma who didn’t seem to nap at all. So when John got home, we took advantage of the beautiful (albeit cool and windy) weather and headed down to the beach for dinner and a walk. Dinner was alright but ended being a lengthy conversation about my current state of mind.
I have to admit that sometimes I do miss my single/dating days. I miss being in university. I miss having a simply part-time job at a video store. I miss singing with really a really good SATB choir. I miss the days of having 3 jobs, singing 2 choirs, preparing for 2 choirs, plus having a husband and living downtown. I miss fitting into my slim jeans. I miss sleeping in. I miss eating whatever I want with no consequence.
I’m used to and good at organizing big events, teams of people and lots of details. And now it’s really hard to organize my thoughts and days around one tiny little person who really doesn’t need that much except food, sleep, clean diapers and clothes, and lots of hugs and kisses. But it’s hard. Really hard. Hard to do all that and keep myself fed and hydrated, showered and dressed, and on otp of all the things like laundry, dishes, paperwork, groceries. I guess I’m so used to seeing fruits of my labours, real tangible outcomes, that I get frustrated when I’ve done the laundry and there is yet more to do. But, John says, what about a major musical production? What about that? You’re accomplishing that? And I know he’s right. I have rehearsals up to three times a week and 6 shows coming up. And I think, that’s pretty major for having a 3 month old.
Then I found a grey hair the other day. It’s not my first… far from it. But it is the first in a very, very long time. Like a year. I had a few come in last year, but while I was pregnant, my hair didn’t grow at all. Now it’s falling out in handfuls (that happens after birth) and starting to grow again. It’s not noticable since I dyed my hair a few weeks ago, but it’s there nonetheless. My friend Malcolm would say I’m having my quarter life crisis… it’s hard not to look at where you are and where you were when those two things are drastically different.
And yet, for all the missing and reminiscing, I look at my little girl, and wouldn’t change it for the world.